the vanishing point
I’d hoped never to feel like this again, but given my nature, I guess it can’t really be helped.
I just don’t fit in, anywhere. I never have. I wish I would stop getting my hopes up that I’ll somehow develop a circle of friends, a support network of some kind.
I have a LOT of friends, all of whom have their own circles of friends, circles that I’m just not comfortable in. I love hanging out sometimes, but mostly it just gives me that alone- in- a- crowd feeling.
It happens when you have things like social anxieties and PTSD- people as a general rule scare me. Especially cliques. ESPECIALLY female cliques. I get along best with laid- back guys and chicks who don’t like most chicks, who end up hanging out with the guys. But even there I end up being the odd one out.
The odd one. Out.
Generally I like my solitude. It helps me think. But when I’m clearly not wanted, I just wish I could disappear. Not to be a drama queen, not to inspire pity, hell, I hate people feeling sorry for me. I just don’t want to be anywhere anymore.
Don’t worry, I don’t have the luxury of disappearing. It would only make the wrong people worry about me, others roll their eyes and exchange sarcastic knowing glances or talk even more shit than the usual. The people I wish gave a flying shit wouldn’t even notice.When it comes to the ones who would worry, I do care about people, even if I doubt they get me at all.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to talk to who wouldn’t turn around and stab me in the back, wouldn’t pretentiously console me and forget I exist five minutes later, didn’t live a thousand miles away, wouldn’t feel really awkward and look like they’d rather be anywhere else, wasn’t too busy socializing with people who actually do matter, wouldn’t just blink at me in a pointless display of complete incomprehension.
I know what you’re thinking. Emo. Whatever, I’m used to being judged in the contexts of stereotypes that don’t come close to describing me.
And don’t take it personally. I know you can’t help that I’m odd/ weird/ nuts/ not one of you. I don’t hold it against you. I’m venting. Besides, I’m the one who’s odd.
Being odd is romanticized a lot, but trust me- it really sucks. I wouldn’t recommend it.
I want the sun, the sand, the mountains, the rocks, the big shady trees- the creeks, the waterfalls, the oceans. I’ve always felt like they understand me in a way people can’t.
And sleep. Sleep would really be nice.
February 18 2010 07:24 pm | Uncategorized
February 19th, 2010 at 6:26 am
I know what you mean about feeling the ‘odd man out’. God, do I.
But you – you are an artist. And artists, for some strange reason I still don’t comprehend, need to be ‘out’, in order to look ‘in’ – in order to be able to hold up that mirror that all the normal people get to see themselves and their world in.
You are so very special.
February 19th, 2010 at 8:33 am
I know you’ve always thought of me as a status quo kind of girl, but I’ve never fit in either. I’ve had my circles of friends, but I’ve always been the third or fifth wheel in those circles. Now I am friendly with people, but don’t really make friends. And I’m okay with that, I enjoy my solitude. Sometimes I get a little jealous when I see people who are close friends, but then I remember all the crap that comes with such relationships. I think I’m probably more content than most people.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I completely understand that- I think Mom is the same way, too. Maybe it’s genetic. Still, it’s easier to enjoy solitude as a stay- at- home mom/ teacher than it is to spend all your time around people who just make you feel like an outcast, even if it’s not intentional.
Of course, even at home, I kind of don’t fit. Matt’s got his friends who are cool, but I’m not really “one of them” so hanging out in my own basement is even awkward.
February 19th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Thanks for that, Lou.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
I can’t say I am all that click-ish either and gernally long for the solitude to create and wrestle with my thoughts, but alas, it aint to be this year. As for the social anxiety, it used to be a problem, until I realized that I am the badest m@ther fu@ker on the planet…….so the anxiety isn’t as much of a problem these days.
February 21st, 2010 at 11:27 am
I’m sorry you seem so down and I do wish you a good friend or two, even if the group thing never does work out.
February 21st, 2010 at 11:29 am
Ok that just sent itself before I was ready. I was just trying to figure out if I said what I meant…not sure about that last part. I just think if you could only have one or the other, a supportive friend or two would be better than the group anyway. And there are probably less people than we think who actually get both.