“What does that even mean?”
I wish I could say everything I need to say.
But some people would think I mean something different than what I’m saying.
Other people take offense to anything I say anyway.
Still others get confused, read a bunch of shit into it, add other stuff to it, and come out with a whole new theory of what I actually meant by what I said.
Some folks just completely ignore me, as if I never mattered in the first place.
Others think they understand completely and tell me how much they relate when I don’t think they do or can.
Then there are the folks who schmooze and tell me I’m brilliant, and make me wonder what they think they can get from me.
Then there’s the time I spend wondering, why do I try.
Are people really worth my effort? Would I achieve more if I just stopped communicating with a lot of the people I know? Are they holding me back as much as I feel like they are? Why can’t I just let it be, and pretend they don’t exist?
I’ve cared so much about so many for so long, and it’s gotten me so far down in a hole, that I’m feeling my “give a shit” slip away, little by little.
I’m becoming more and more bitter, the harder I try to be friendly and helpful and nice. People don’t appreciate anything but what they can get from me before they walk away and leave me empty.
So why should I appreciate them? What do most people have to offer but stupid games and silly drama bullshit and three- ring- circus idiocy?
One thing is absolutely clear- I made the best decision of my life a little over two years ago. No matter how much I felt that it was right, I could not have foreseen under any circumstances how much grief, suffering, and pain this one decision spared me.
If you know me, you probably already know what it is. The best decision I’ve ever made was marrying Matt.
He’s always been genuine with me. No games, no playing with my head, no hurting me just to see how I’ll react and if I can be controlled. More than I can say for a lot of people I know.
He’s the only one who has always been there for me, helping me, loving me in spite of my many shortcomings.
I get impatient with everyone, but not much with him. Probably because he is so incredibly patient himself.
Make of it what you will, as usual. Dredge up crap from the past, drama bullshit that happened, things that were said, stupidity that hurt people. Hell, blow this out of proportion and turn it into some kind of personal attack, too. It won’t alter the way things are, and have always been between me and my Matt.
And this is where I walk away.
December 04 2009 09:03 pm | culture and life and mental health and photography and utah
December 5th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Wow. I hope that doesn’t mean you’re going to stop blogging. I hope that doesn’t mean you’re going to stop publishing your photographs. I hope that doesn’t mean you’re pissed at me for a careless remark I made about kissing your hurt wrist and making it better.
You are an amazing photographer. You’re a beautiful woman. You obviously love, and are devoted to, your family. What you bring here, to your blog, are the things that demonstrate all of that. Please don’t walk away. Please?
December 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
No, Lou- it’s nothing personal, like I said. Don’t read so much into it. No, I’m not going to stop blogging. I’m just ditching a lot of people I (used to) hang out with, because I know who I am and what I want out of life, and they’re not matching up.
December 5th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I always wonder who we really are: the person we are inside, to ourselves, or the person our family members see, or the person strangers see. Because they’re all different people.
December 5th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
’tis true. I try to be as congruent as possible with who I am and how I project who I am. People lately are driving me nuts with trying to show me one face and being another thing completely.
There are a couple of people whom I don’t know if I ever really knew them, or for that matter, if they ever knew themselves.
December 7th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I have always felt that it is the expectations of others that really cause way to much drama and headache. If we just had expectations of ourselves and stop thinking that others could solve our problems, there would be a lot less bullshit in the world.
One more thing….Then there are the folks who schmooze and tell me I’m brilliant….when ever someone does this to me…..it just makes me assume that eventually, I am going to have solve their problems.