Art of Seeking

sólo un día

I just need one day of uninterrupted sleep.

Between judging Battle of the Bands, sad attempts to write in Spanish, camping, and thousands of complications enmired in all of it, I have lost hours uon hours of sleep.

I cannot disclose too many details of the judging experience until the article is published. Until then, here are some pictures:

me and fellow judge, Judas

Judas’ favorite: Norther. I want their CD. Very awesome.

My personal favorite, Vibe  Rising.

The winners: Dandy Lyons. Impressive group.

I’ll explain the voting system and all that in the Review.

Meanwhile, here are more pretty pictures.

My newest model.

And, possibly my favorite foot shot in a long while.

Eyes closing involuntarily. Must nap. Ciao.

time vs. me

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that, after  many flailing attempts at routine, I have given up and settled comfortably into an unsettled state of chaos.

If it weren’t for constantly setting reminders for myself, some fairly important things would be forgotten and left festering to screw up untold future conditions. Kind of like the past 20  years of my life, before the incorporation of cell phones and their portable tiny calendars with their pleasant little alarms that gently shock me back into the present when I’d been enjoying watching the wind in the grass or something.

Still, there is no set bedtime, waking time, meal time, or any designated space on the clock in my life. Things happen when they happen. I generally wake up between 5 and 7. I eat when I’m hungry. I sleep when I’m tired. I study when I pick up a book. I make phone calls and such when my phone plays a pleasant little “DING!” and a message pops up that says “Call the damn (whatever).”

Few people in our society could tolerate this lackadaisical response to daily life, I know. I got lucky with Matt, who is pretty much the same way. Work depends on how much work there is at work. Band practice happens when everyone can get together. Everything else…. meh. Of course, having little time- conceived structure in our lives hasn’t made life any less demanding. We just choose not to stress it, as much as we can. Stress causes bad things to happen.

Our friends truly envy our relationship- hell, we’ve been together five years (married three as of next month) and we still cuddle like turtle- doves and enjoy every moment. That isn’t to say we haven’t endured our rough patches, a couple of which I wondered if we would survive. But once we understand what’s really causing the problem- usually stress from outside sources- it’s pretty easy to find each other again in spite of our differences.

Matt has been keeping my foot wrapped in an ancient ace bandage that appears to be doing the trick. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore, as long as I avoid certain yoga poses and remember to take my supplements, and as long as he kisses it every time he re- wraps it. I know, I’m a sentimental nut. But I think it does make a difference…

Back to my Pablo Neruda and berry smoothie and Spanish grammar. I’ve got five days left of this term, and time is catching up with me…

¿Por qué?

No me gusta idear títulos. Takes up way too much time.

It’s been an eventful week. Obviously I have school and lots of homework (which I’ll get to as soon as I’m done with this, I swear), then we’ve had old friends and new dropping in, working out four days per week (me, anyway), and a photo shoot and… other stuff. Laundry. Weather. Lots of weather. You know, other stuff.

There are some serious highlights, though- Matt’s band, the Delphi Quorum, had their second (and much bigger and better) show, and it was recorded for Comcast. I was really worried at first, but the more they practiced (of course) the better they got. Now I think they have some real potential. They’re creating their own genre with a theramin, hand drums, bass guitar, a violin, a banjo- and there was an autoharp but it turned up missing. Glenn (a.k.a. Judas- bass, banjo, harps of sorts) was really upset until I told him I’d seen a lap harp of some kind at a thrift store. He went and picked it up for thirty bucks, and it turned out to be a very rare instrument- a tremoloa. I don’t have pictures of it yet, but I will…

For now, here are some pics from the show:

Matt on (my) djembe

Judas (Glenn) on bass for a minute

Angela on violin

Glenn has always gone by the nickname Judas. He was actually a model for a famous painting of the Last Supper that has won several awards, as Judas. Look! I found it online! That’s him, on the far left- and yes it’s a perfect image of Glenn.

Interestingly enough, when I was studying and visiting the Tarahumara Indians of Mexico, I couldn’t help but notice… okay. Judas (Glenn) has always loved black and white striped things and painting himself to look mime- ish. In Tarahumara culture, their hybrid Catholicism/ Native religion has an Easter theme of Jesus and Judas as brothers embroiled in rivalry. In their ceremonies, Judas and his minions are painted… black and white striped.

Our own Judas was clueless about this until I showed him the pictures, then he thought it was pretty cool.

Trippy.

Anyway, me and Blue and her kids and a couple of mine did a photo shoot on Saturday. Unfortunately, I had no idea Mekare was coming until she was getting in the car, and unlike most everyone else, she did not dress up. So we got kind of a princesses- and- the hobo thing going on:

Arielle is an interesting person to photograph. Here’s the difference between Friday:

And Saturday:

(That’s her boyfriend, who happens to be Blue’s son.)

Here are my other favorite shots of the day:

Sensitive eyes may want to look away now- you see, we kill Blue in every photo shoot. It’s usually her idea. Usually. This time, it was definitely her idea- and a brilliant one:

Ahem.

Finally, my friend Ian from high school whom I haven’t seen in 18 years just happened to be traveling through, and stopped in. He picked a great night for it. We has some company over, including a native Philippine girl who made some traditional stuffed talapia. I’d found some gigantic campfire marshmallows (I called them “Deathmallows” -it caught on fast) that we roasted over the fire, and had a drum and didgeridoo circle. All had a great time.

On a sad note, Matt and I had to cancel our planned trip to Zion National Park because we’re simply too broke to get there. But, at least I’ll have more time for homework…

~sigh~

One Last Day

I’m almost finished with my last paper, and I hope it’s a good one. I just took on too much at once this term. It doesn’t help that I completely failed in creating or finding a workable study environment.

I can’t be the only one with these types of learning disabilities- I have to have complete silence to study, for the most part, and any distraction at all- light through a window, people talking, ANYthing- throws me out of my groove. Sometimes I can listen to music and block people out to an extent, but if I want to really absorb anything, I have to be in a sterile environment with muted lighting and no noise. Which is obviously practically unobtainable.

You know what sounds awesome? One of those sensory stimulation blocker/ isolation tank things. I think I could stand to live in one at least part of the time. I’m just so over- sensitive to everything, to the point that it takes on a kind of blurry heaviness that settles behind my eyes and I just space. It’s most notable when different elements are demanding my attention at the same time, like when two people start talking to me at once. It all turns to gibberish and I can’t understand a word either of them are saying. This is NOT good for concentration.

It got to me the most one day when I actively sought out- and FOUND!- an isolated corner of the school library with a computer. I started doing my reading, and found myself getting very excited. “Holy shit!” went my brain.  “I’m reading, AND absorbing it! I can THINK about this now! Maybe I’ll even pass that quiz on Tuesday!” But, the ecstasy was short lived, for no more than ten minutes later, a couple of kids sat down three seats away from me and began having a loud, annoying conversation (that was probably relatively normal but sounded very loud and annoying to ME). It all fell away. I got aggravated and left the previously- single- actually- very- quiet corner of the library.

I’ve turned into a bitch in class a couple of times and snapped at people who were talking when I was trying to listen to the professor.

I’m beginning to suspect hypokalemic sensory overstimulation might be the culprit, especially since I’m prone to potassium deficiency (as well as others, such as iron). Time to stock up on lentils again- as soon as there’s anything with which to fill the cupboards. I don’t know if it’s enough, though. I think I need a supplement. That, I can’t afford.

Yeah, I’m poor. It’s socially unacceptable so I don’t generally broadcast it. Thankfully, at least lentils are cheap.

I’m very upset that I’ve let my very patient, wonderful teachers down. They deserved much better from me. It makes me feel like shit.

Today, the kids are arguing, Matt’s annoyed that someone has eaten all his pretzels, and I really need to finish this paper…

Then I start classes again later this week.

loss

So… yeah. My emotions are a mess.

Today is the two year anniversary of Scott’s suicide. Sunday was the one year anniversary of Mark’s death (stroke/ heart attack), Joe died of accidental injury four months ago, and Ryan’s funeral is this Saturday (see previous posts).

I also have two more papers and one more test by Friday. I’m doing my best to concentrate on writing and studying and not death.

If it weren’t for a couple of good friends and one particularly excellent teacher whom I’m beginning to think of as a mentor, I think I’d be in a much worse state right now. As much as I hate losing yet another friend, there are no better people around to suffer with.

I need sleep. And water. I’ve needed a lot more sleep lately.

Loss is exhausting. I can think of a few people who are sleeping even worse than me right now- if at all.

So before I’m reduced to gibberish due to the combination of erratic sleep patterns and plain old emotional crap, I’m going to allow myself to collapse.

The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing at all.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so conflicted before, even though I suspect that too many emotions from too many things may be coming into play.

Still, this is a problem- and so personal a problem that I doubt I will ever share it with anyone. Not under current circumstances, anyway. That and, so odd a problem that I don’t know if anyone can really understand it.

There isn’t much context in my culture for this, there fore explaining it wouldn’t make sense to most people.

And the one person who might… is just the one who might judge me the most. Or might not. In any case I have too much to lose by opening my damn fool mouth. So I won’t.

Suffice to say, there are more things in my heaven and Earth that are dreamt of in most philosophies.

My heaven and hell are, for the moment, one in the same.

I wish for all the world I could just be as socially acceptable in thought and mind as most everyone else.

But it won’t happen.

I’ve tried.

mind, body, spirit

All of the above= exhausted.

I can’t type right now without being too emotionally overcome, so I’ll skip it.

Look! Pretty pictures.

three shots of cognac and nothing

the interpreter

moon through the brush fire smoke

just another sunset

first wildflowers

the interpreter, another perspective

Belly Dance spring fest (updated)

I’m taking off for Spring Break in a bit, but before I go, here are some pictures from the annual Belly Dance Spring Fest show. My class has a dress rehearsal, then the big night next week- and I hope someone will get pictures of me. When I’m not dancing I’ll be taking pictures, of course.

Until then:

UPDATE: Before I go, there’s one more thing I have to add:

Please don’t text and drive. Terrible things may happen!!

signs of spring

It’s been a little more exciting. I can finally see the clouds break and sense that the doldrums of winter might soon be over. Signs of a new season are everywhere- little flower buds, a few blooming bulbs, rain more often than snow…

zits… lots of zits. My skin never knows what the hell to do when the weather starts changing, so it gives up and breaks out. Ick.

And it seems I have some opportunities. First, Matt and I are taking our annual not- exactly- valentines trip over spring break. Then, of course, there’s my belly dance concert the week after next. I’ll be attending the Paleopathology Association Annual meeting next month, which just happens to be in the town where my parents, sister, nieces, nephew, and some aunts and uncles and cousins live.

This summer, if the Peace and Justice Studies (one of my minors) folks get funding, I might go to Haiti.

Next year, if I’m very good and keep my grades up, it looks like I’ll get to do some excavating at an archeological site in Peru.

Yes, it sounds like fun and interesting and exciting, etc. I just hope I can handle all this.

I’d better get ready to go- we’re drilling our dance routine like crazy tonight. I’m a little under the weather so I hope all the spins and such don’t make me too dizzy, and I’ll try not to breathe on the other girls…