Art of Seeking

developments across the board

If my life gets any more interesting, I’ll be a great case study soon. But until then, I’m rather enjoying the oddness.

First, I’ve found out that my intermediate belly dance class will be performing in the first two weeks of March. The choreography is awesome, and the music is everything I’d hoped for. It starts out sounding really tribal, then this heavy bass kicks in… hell yeah. My teacher Natalie is a sweetheart AND a good teacher. Very patient.

Then, there’s the explanation for this picture:

(That’s me in my funny hat on the djembe and Matt on didgeridoo, Angela on violin, Glen on djembe/ banjo, and that one guy I just met on doumbek and effects pedals. No, the drum set wasn’t played and I have no idea what the skillet is for.)  Matt and I were asked if we wanted to perform with our friend’s band, Delphi Quorum, on Feb. 5. Sure, why not, an excuse to play music is an excuse to play music. This is an…. interesting musical experiment- some guy is using effects pedals (including a loop) on some odd sounding vocals and Matt’s didgeridoo. Then there’s a few djembes (including mine) and my Remo klong yaw that Matt is pretty good at using as a “talking drum” because it’s so out of tune.. I guess you have to hear it and know a little about tuning drums to understand why. But anyway, there’s a banjo and a violin as well. Yeah. Experimental. It’s fun, but I’m sure plenty of folks might see it is strange or just plain creepy.

So, I was at my acupuncture appointment getting jabbed when for some reason, in a conversation between me and Brent and Allie, it was mentioned that Brent knows an Incan Shaman. I’m about to start writing a research paper on medicines and hallucinogens in the ancient Andes, so it seemed quite serendipitous. He hasn’t seen her for a bit but says he’ll look her up for me. Meanwhile, I’m also doing a research paper on NAGPRA, and Ana just revealed to me that her best friend’s father is a Lakota Shaman. Perfect. And weird. But cool… I’ll be attempting to set up some interviews soon.

Meanwhile…

I’ll be doing a photo shoot this Sunday with a few models. It will hopefully involve a collection of antique tools, really colorful clothing, railroad tracks, possibly a raccoon skin coat, and a crumbling silo. Sounds like fun to me.

If you’re not calling your favorite legal drug dealer (i.e. psychiatrist) for some Prozac on my behalf yet, it’s only because you know me well enough. I guess. Thanks.

I’m making some Pozole and hoping the damn hominy is done before the cornbread is. I need to get to sleep soon… long day tomorrow…

Oh, yeah. The top picture is my friend and tattoo artist Randal, playing a variation of chess invented by our friend Kurray and some other guys. Possibly including Randal. Matt helped make the board a couple years ago. The board they’re playing on has elevated squares in a roughly pyramid shape, and the corners are decorated each with tropical island, Antarctic, desert, and jungle scenes. No idea how it’s played. I always lose chess. And Hearts. And Gin. And… well, everything but scrabble and connect four.

Back to the “grind…”

From a shadow

I’ve always felt that my uncle Frank is destined for greatness. I’m glad to see he’s well on his way- well, he didn’t win a Tony but he WAS nominated for the prestigious Drama Desk Award. I’m very proud to be related to him- not just because he’s so popular and talented and brilliant, though.

But also because he supported me in my darkest hours, stood by me when few would, has always had a kind word when I desperately needed one, and is just all around a really, really good guy. He’s seen some very hard times but always seems to come out of them stronger, wiser, and even better- looking.

So if you want, check out his work- and if you’re in New York City, go see one of his plays. I promise you won’t regret it.

SouthernGothicNovel.com

www.frankblocker.com

I was pining over my lost friend again today- trying not to be annoyingly whiny and still express my grief at the same time. Grief is very much a process- and it’s not a quick one…

All the life there is to be lived in all the activity surrounding everything…
Strange how your death seems to stop everything in my inside world while all around me, nothing has even slowed down.
The rain falls, the clouds clear away, the birds sing, the road construction continues unabated through the mud.
But now part of the world is still, forever.
A part of the world that was part of my life- and it seems harder to move on.
The noise reminds me that my life is to be lived, that the only thing grieving stops
is me.

But I need to.
I need to be still, to soak in the distant sounds that come in through my window
to look back on a life that ended when it should have been at its peak
to remember and love and wish and hope.
That part of my life, my history, made me who I am, made me love my life and the people I chose to allow to influence me in such a good way
that I don’t want to stop remembering.
I want to live it all again- perhaps with more brains this time.
I want to see the smiles again and hear the jokes re- told and smell the desert rain-
be with you again.
I miss your innocence- your way of laughing at the world.
I miss how you always could make me smile, how just your presence could make the mood lighter-
make the world easier to bear.

I feel like you’re part of me as you were such a huge part of my life- the formative years I spent with you made me so much what I am now.
You are the best of what I became. Thank you for that. From the bottom of my heart, the fiber of my being, the subatomic particles of my soul.
You’ll always be part of me, part of so many lives you influenced- and the world is so much better off for it.
The journey I’m taking is to heal my soul- though I worry it might damage my heart, to see your grave. The final slab we call home, an etched stone that simplifies everything with a name, a date, and maybe a picture or a quote.
You’re so much more than that, no matter how short your life was. You were so much more to me- to so many. And still are.

Quotes of the Week

“Oh, God! Kid!! That’s how BUNNIES get killed!” -Eric, on watching a girl on a bicycle ride straight into a busy parking lot without looking

“It’s hard to keep looking that good, once you’ve flushed that toilet.” -Steve, on a friend who had gone through rehab, looked great for a bit, then fell off the wagon and consequently looks like shit

“You get a wonderful view from the point of no return.” -Terry Pratchett, in “Making Money”

“Do you think my mom will mind if I turn the heinous dress she gave me into a cat-bed?” -a tweet from Mel

“Can’t decide if Madge looks more like a psychedelic praying mantis or Count Olaf in a rainbow colored flight suit…hmm…” -Netta, my sister- in- law, commenting on her little sister’s pajamas

More memories of Mark. He was such a huge influence on my life, and I don’t think I realized how huge until he was gone. He never just said “hi” when he’d see me. Sometimes he’d pick me up and swing me around while yelling “LORAIIIINE!!” Sometimes he’d grab my shoulders, sit me down on the bed, and say, “Check this out! I figured it out last night…” and start playing me a song. It was almost never the same greeting. With Mark, it was never a boring day.

One day he was taking a shower when I showed up, so I was sitting in the living room with his dad watching Ponderosa when one of those pharmaceutical drug study commercials came on, advertising that they were looking for people suffering from depression. Keep in mind this was a small apartment with paper- thin walls. “Call this number,” the TV said,” “if you’re depressed, if you’re tired- if you just don’t care anymore.”

The shower had turned off, and Mark’s voice from the bathroom rang clearly through the house: “I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!”

I’m feeling more and more like a hermit. It might have something to do with me getting sick of all my friends dying in various ways and wondering if I’m something of a curse and maybe I should avoid people for their own good. In the past couple of months, one good friend has died of cancer two days before the anniversary of another friend’s suicide, and two friends of mine have been in horrific car accidents. One is in a coma, the other has spent lots of time in the hospital and is undergoing another surgery again soon. I might as well put Matt’s Grim Reaper cloak on and wear it around just so people can be forewarned as soon as they look at me.

On that happy note, I think I’ll go make popsicles.

too much adventure, not enough sleep

At the end of today, it was all I wanted.
Yesterday, Arielle, Matt and I made a little discovery- a canyon even Matt hadn’t explored.

At a friend’s house, I almost took a new friend home- except that it still needed its mommy (and my kitty would have a hissy fit):

Did coffee with some friends:

Took a walk in Rock Canyon with Blue:

Got on the freeway to go home, and something went awry. My car went thumpthumpthump instead of vroooom. Why? Because somewhere, I’d managed to drive over a nail, and my tire was as flat as week- old roadkill on a highway. We got off to the side of the freeway okay, but I had serious communication problems.
That Magic Jack thing I got? Seems like when I call it, no one can hear me. VERY frustrating in an emergency.
Matt didn’t answer his phone. Arielle was at work. The neighbors were all at work (except for the ones without phones). Yeargh! Finally, just as Matt called me back, a Highway patrol officer pulled up behind me and offered to change my tire.
I happily accepted.

Wish I could remember his name. Randall A….

He let me know that my spare was pretty low, too, and I should get off on the next exit and find a gas station. I did- but it was one of those air hoses that require you to PAY for AIR. Then it didn’t work. I went inside and asked for help, and they sent out a guy covered in ICP tattoos to help. Was very polite and seemed somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t place him. He discovered that the end of the hose was a little faulty, and managed to get air in the tire.
What a nice Juggalo.

When I got home, I called around to find a used tire. A tire shop a few miles away had one the right size, and off I went.

We will be in Rock Canyon again tomorrow, with the Save Rock Canyon people, volunteering our time.

I am so tired.

The kids are so loud.

This tea is so good…

Back for now

My favorite Bob Marley song:

Bob Marley- Three Little Birds

It’s been in my head for the last day or so.

We went camping- as I posted last time- and got POURED on. The girl’s tent sprung a leak and one of the sleeping bags was soaked. Matt’s hammock also got wet, in spite of the tarp above it, so I let him use my cot and I slept in the car. It wasn’t the greatest time we ever had camping, but I did get a lot of very cool pictures:

We may and may not go camping tonight. We might go to a party. We might fall asleep. Ana, who went camping with friends in a place that is reportedly covered with inchworms, stopped in for a moment to get dressed (she was soaked), yak my ear off about the dog and the worms and stuff, borrow the other camera (which shall be returned unharmed and in perfect working condition, so it shall be done- on pain of death, or at least severe grounding), and off she went again to Inchworm Mountain.

I need a nap and some non- camp food. And a shower. Definitely a shower…

Mekare’s First Concert Ever

Last night was Mekare’s first concert with the orchestra. She played at the high school with a bunch of kids from the district. I was rather impressed, considering they’re all beginners.

At first, she didn’t see us and thought we didn’t make it.

Then she saw Matt and lit up like Bob Hope’s copper roof in the sun (you Palm Springs/ DHS people current and former know what I mean):

She played very well and had a lot of fun.

Then she ran to meet us, but they made her go out in the foyer where we lost her, found her, and dragged her back to meet one of the high school music instructors, Sam Tsugawa, an old family friend of Matt’s, who taught music to two of his sisters and still teaches there at the High School. He played some bluegrass with the orchestra that evening:

We stopped for ice cream on the way home to celebrate, then Matt made his famous french dip sandwiches when we got home.

It’s that time again- research paper time. I finished the first one about midnight or 1:00 am this morning. Now I’ve got three to go- all on pretty much the same subject, but with different emphasis for different classes. I’m focusing on Native American food and methods of food preparation. For one class, I’m comparing and contrasting ancient Native American foods with modern. For another I’m focusing on artifacts, and for the third I’m focusing on Utah- specific Native American foods in history. So far. Things tend to change, the more research I do. By the way, if anyone has any good sources on these things, please let me know!

Yesterday, I spotted a bird sitting on a wire in an approaching storm. I wondered why it was just sitting there when it really should have been getting home and out of the weather. Then I noticed- it appeared to be injured.

I hope it was okay when the storm blew in, but I doubt it. At least it was a pretty storm:

The Beauty of Delerium

I have sort of managed to pry my eyelids open, but it wasn’t easy. The haze between dreaming and consciousness lasts a little while for me. Some days I wonder if I really snap out of it at all. Maybe that’s why time is so relative to me and little nuances, like a cloud covering the sun for a minute or a change in wind direction- have a greater effect on me than they do on most people.

And maybe I just REALLY enjoy being outside.

That’s what I did for most of this weekend- I played outside.

Here’s a great tip for making food taste a hundred times better: kick the shit out of yourself! Hike up a mountain carrying no less than 30 pounds of gear. Romp around for a while, find yourself a nice 20- 30lb. rock, and carry it down the mountain with you a few hours later. Don’t leave anything behind. And if you can, get stuck in a storm for a couple of hours, or rappel down a cliff or two. Then take a little jog.

The next morning when you get up, make (or order) pancakes. They will be the best pancakes you’ve ever eaten in your life. I promise.

We went to a show at a local bar where three bands were playing: Knucklebone with my old friend Joey and his band:

Gorgunt played next, a band comprised of a few old friends of mine; Ric, Osh, and Matt W., and my friend Katie’s new boyfriend, the bass player. I don’t know his name, I just call him Geezer. Because he plays like Geezer Butler (but looks like Bill Ward):

Finally, Devil’s Cuntry played, and of course I know all these guys. Except the new mandolin player who, by the way, is awesome:

The next day, Matt and I went gold panning with Steve, who was in a very generous mood and bought us waders because “of all the people I know, you guys would get the most use out of them.” It really helps to get some good pictures, when you can take them from the middle of the creek:

We didn’t find much gold in what we had a chance to go through (Steve took a bucket of black sludge home to go through later), but Matt made another discovery- fossils! Then I found a slab full of them. It weighed about 25 pounds. Yes, I carried it almost all the way back down the canyon. Matt’s tiny fossil was the best one, though, because it was a whole clam:

In all, I think we found about 10 rocks with fossils in them.

We got back late, but not too late to make it to the last day of the gem and mineral show with the kids this morning, who got lots of cool rocks for free. I wished I could afford some of the more expensive ones, but I couldn’t so I just took pictures of them:

Mekare and Arielle did a little gold panning at the show. They both found little gold flakes- so they did better than me, Steve, and Matt did in two trips up the canyon.

It has been beautiful all weekend. Now it is raining and sleeting outside. I think I’ll relax now, before I have to go back to studying.

three cups of tea

I make no reference to the book, which I hear is awesome and I have plans to read, but to the three cups of tea I have in front of me. One is in a blue and white pottery cup and has been sitting here half the day with me sipping on it. Arielle had asked me what kind of tea I wanted, and I’d said, “surprise me.” She brought me organic green.
Then I picked Matt up from work, dropped him off at the wood shop, took a shower, picked him up and took him to his orthodontist appointment, forsaking a staff meeting I’m not sure was in session because of the holiday. Matt will be fitted for his dentures at the end of next month. Yippee! On the way back, we stopped at McDonalds, as Matt was hungry and can easily eat the squishy double cheeseburgers. I got some ice tea. They’re always surprised when I order ice tea, easy on the ice. I don’t know why it confuses them so, and it gets on my nerves. What’s so bloody hard??

That’s the second cup.

The third is one of my favorites. It’s in a large earthen pottery cup, slightly bulbous with a nice groove on the top of the handle for my thumb. It contains Mighty Leaf Jasmine tea. Why did I make myself yet another cup of tea??
Because I had company, that’s why. Company who likes tea. And who is one of my favorite neighbors and is in the process of moving out. My other favorite neighbor moved out over the weekend.

Mekare also loves Katie, our Hare Krishna hippie neighbor. She had the Mighty Leaf vanilla bean, which I highly recommended. She took it to go in her own sightly used disposable gas station cup. She’s moving in with her boyfriend, but she’ll be around. She isn’t going far. Still, we’ll miss her.

I WILL finish all this tea. I always do.

Here’s what Matt & co. have been doing in the wood shop:

Three of these are spoken for. The others are for sale…

Another frozen yet beautiful sunrise:

Frosty crystals on maple seeds:

Mekare and the kitty in the living room:

Now, to finish my homework…

It’s hopeless.

I’ve been trying to get this paper done for weeks. I’ve finally gotten almost 5 pages! But my ADD is not helping. When I study/ write/ work, I have to have perfect silence. I work best in the late morning to late afternoon. I was looking forward to being done by this weekend. But then, something happened.

The schools decided to make it a four day weekend.

Not only are the kids bouncing around like Mexican jumping beans with me squawking “We have neighbors downstairs!” at them every five minutes, but they keep bringing their friends over.

Ana’s longtime friend Ripley (since grade school), whom Ana goes to Idaho with on occasion, is over right now. She brought her dog, which is tied up outside and looking miserable, so she keeps checking up on her, but I’d still prefer if she’d take it home so my cat will stop freaking out whenever they open the door. Apparently, Ripley’s dad is something of a stunt expert. Ana and Ripley have been in training, it seems, and are doing their best to be athletic- but of course it’s too COLD outside, so they’re being healthy and athletic all over the place in HERE. Meanwhile, Arielle feels it necessary to talk at 20 times the recommended decibel to people standing two feet away, and Mekare is interjecting with little songs and arguments. They’re all arguing. About anything they can. -sigh-

I tried to do a little more research. I failed. I tried proofreading. My chair got bumped three times. I can’t really afford to give up, especially as there is no school for the kids tomorrow, of course (in honor of MLK) and I have classes all day after that.

On the bright side, I did get some cool pictures today. It was supposed to be 21 degrees for a low. They lied. It was 9. But everything was completely covered in frost crystals, so I braved the elements and walked around the block and took these:

In other news… my sister, knowing of my flailing attempts at organization, made me a pretty little receipt- keeper book. How did she know?! I’ve got receipts floating all over the place like kleenex at a wedding! Finally I have something to put them in, that will fit on my desk shelf:

Finally, one last picture for the day (until something else grabs me)- Why Ana Never Finished her Coffee:

meme a la interview

Bruce is interviewing me. These are his questions and my answers.

1) You = counter culture / open minded. Your surroundings = Mormon Land, cold, conservative. Why?

Well, because 1. I’m pretty much here by accident and knew very little about Utah or Mormons when I got here (long, crazy, creepy story, that), and 2. Because it’s more fun that way. As close- minded and white- bread as some of the people are here, I’ve still managed to make a lot of good friends. There’s a great counter culture movement here, and its very strong- probably because the dominant culture is so obtrusive. Also, I’m a nature nut and this place is just gorgeous. We have four whole seasons! We also have mountains, lakes, wetlands, grasslands, forests, waterfalls, canyons, deserts, plateaus, caves, crazy rock formations, arches, ancient Native American settlements, petroglyphs, and more dinosaur bones than anywhere else in the world. There’s a huge variety of huge trees, and I’m a big fan of trees.

2) You express yourself exceptionally well with a camera. Why do you think that is? What motivates you to take pictures and what type of camera do you use?

You know, I’m not sure what motivates me to take pictures. Pretty much everything motivates me to take pictures, or at least I’ll find excuses to take pictures pretty much anywhere. Likewise, i have no idea why I seem to be so good at it. Probably because I love it so. My camera is a Canon Rebel XS 1000D.

3) Lots and lots of studying….to what end? Where do you think all the eduction is going to get you and do you think it is going to be worth it.

I have a few ideas, but I’m not sure what end. I wish I knew. I just figured that if I study things I like learning about, I’ll find out what options there are and work with people in whatever field. At the moment, I’m exploring ways of combining photography with anthropology. I have some friends / teachers who go on humanitarian expeditions, and I’d be more than happy to go with them and photo- document the experience, the work, and the results. The feedback I’m getting from that idea is very positive so far- I’m just not sure if I can make a living doing it. I’ll be meeting with someone next week to discuss options.

4) Matt reminds me a lot of the fellows that I hung out with in college, makes his own path, beats his own drum. How did you two fall into each others arms, what clicked….(what hasn’t).

Well, Matt and I actually met some years ago when he was dating a friend of mine, and I was dating some drunk. Later we became good friends, then one night when we were both single, we got pretty toasted and… let’s just say the rest is history. We’ve been attached at the hip ever since. What hasn’t clicked? Well, we get on each others nerves sometimes, like all couples do. Our sleep schedules are having trouble clicking- I’m a morning person and he ’s NOT. I’m a health nut, he loves simple carbs and processed food… well, there’s a bunch of nitpicky shit, but where it matters we click just fine.

5) You have unlimited resources to help someone outside your family (you become guardian of a trust or charity), who would you help, in what way, and why?

That list is longer than Santa Clause’s. People on my mind right now are the homeless that have been springing up. Middle class people have lost their homes, forcing them into the renter’s market, which forces low- income people onto the street. In my little expeditions with my camera, I like to go tromping off into the wilderness- and lately I’ve been finding tents. More recently (yesterday), I stumbled across a little outdoor residence in a hidden area of grassland and trees, right near the downtown area. These people don’t seem like they’re used to being homeless. They have nice cookware and little propane grills, for starters. The problem is getting worse. Something tells me that with all the houses available out there and all the people who need them, there’s just got to be a way to fix this. That would be first on my list. Then I’d start in on educating children all over Africa, Latin America, Southeast Asia, and wherever else it’s needed (and wanted). There is a lot of humanitarian work I would love to do, and a lot of causes I’d love to be able to fund.

Ok, so to continue the meme follow these instructions:

Leave a note at the bottom of you post asking your readers if they want to be interviewed by you. You can do it like this -

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Just before sunrise this morning:

What we’ve been breathing around here:

The sad, lonely mate- less black beaked swan I mentioned yesterday does have a support system. Her best friends are these lovebirds, who no doubt can understand, as they were all good friends before the other black beaked swan disappeared. These are swans as well, of a different variety (obviously) and are just as inseparable as the black beaks were:

And here are some black swans. The little one, following its mother, is only about a month old, I think.

And here’s Pop.