Art of Seeking

Matt’s hours were just cut in half. If it weren’t for my paycheck, we’d be up a creek. Unfortunately we have some time coming up between terms when I will have no paycheck for more than a month. Hopefully more people will want me to take pictures of them. I got another offer today that I’ll look into.

Tomorrow promises to be a pain. I have to take Mekare to one of my classes so I can take her to her dentist appointment right after. She’s getting a root canal. Yeehaw.

I did finally finish my long, long research paper for ANTH 4160 today. It’s called “Perspectives on the Customs and Etiquette of Smoking Marijuana.” If you’d like to read it, I posted it on my MySpace page at myspace.com/ObnoxiousLittleBrat.

(If you look on the left side of the page there, you’ll see the title- just click on it.)

I just went for a walk with Arielle and Mekare. It got dark pretty quick and then my stomach got all queasy. And I don’t know if it’s just me or not but I think kids are louder at night.

It feels like it’s closer to 9 but it’s way too early. I might go to bed anyway.

I’m going to try to take some time out and get some pictures taken in a canyon or something somewhere before that cold front hits tomorrow. For now, here are some more pictures from the other day.

I’ve decided I must be some sort of poststructuralist, after I wrote this poem in class when I discovered how much I hate trying to finish what I’m saying when I’m speaking in front of people:

End of a sentence

End of a Sentence

to end a sentence, end a sentence-

A prison of words- SHUT UP

For those of you who are convinced (not for the first time) that I’ve completely lost it, let me explain. Every line has dual meanings- ending a sentence to make a statement/ ending a sentence by getting out of a prison. Language is very limiting in that it dictates what you can and cannot express through a limitation of available words/ grammar/ rules in one’s culture (Whorf- Sapir theory). So when I finally end a sentence- when everyone’s staring at me as I stumble over my words in a vain attempt to express what I’m thinking, in effect I end the sentence- the jail term I’ve created for myself by opening my mouth in the first place. The words are a prison- but when I shut up, my expression is, also shut up, shut away, expressionless.

If that convinces you that I’m still sane, then I’ll be convinced you’re not, and ask you to please not read further.

On to the daily life stuff. Yesterday I was actually paid to take pictures- $30 and a bag of walnuts. Okay, so the walnuts were a gift, but my primitivist attitude likes the idea of trades in cash and goods. Maybe next time I’ll do it for some cash and a couple of chickens (prepared for cooking, of course- don’t know what I’d do with live ones). I love it.

I’ve learned that I’m much happier on the days that I detour away from the usual crap and run off to the mountains to take pictures. This time I went to Rock Canyon, and took the Bonneville Shoreline trail. This is where the coast used to be, and the city fills in the dry lake bed. I’m telling you, folks- if we ever have a significant earthquake out here, we’re screwed.

Often when I’m walking alone, as I love to do, my inner voice becomes more audible. It’s not a wise inner voice like all that new- agey self help crap would like to believe- I just have always put my thoughts in the context of a narration, probably ever since a book was first read to me. Most of the time, it’s in the background of all the chatter in my head; usually the vicious arguments between my left and right cranial hemispheres. But when it’s quiet, I find some level of my thoughts- what I referred to as my “mind’s mind” when I was maybe about 8 years old- is still narrating. I remember hoping when I was younger that somewhere on some level in this strange universe, all thoughts are recorded, or all this narrating would be rather a waste. Today I thought maybe I could go either way on that.

For now I will stop burdening you with my wordly prison and give you some more pictures, which require none. As I walked today, I came across a shadowy place where the morning dew had frozen, and for once, my macro settings worked perfectly. So here is a tiny world of ice crystals, some of them melting:

I climbed up on some rocks high above the valley and took a nice little escapist rest. Here’s a nice view of what I was escaping:

And where I was escaping to:

And a curious weed that had evaded the frost.

Here’s the song that’s stuck in my head ( for the last two and the next three days), and some pictures I took in Rock Canyon today.
Tori Amos- Home on the Range (Cherokee version)

I honestly don’t care at all if people think I’m nuts when they see me parked in a parking lot, taking pictures of the mountains. I’m just really happy I have a decent zoom on my camera. I wish I had more time to just run off to the mountains wherever I want and take a few hundred pictures. Failing that, I’ll take a few dozen while I’m pumping gas or when I’m done loading groceries, or when I’m dashing from one class to the next and I happen to glance out the window and see something I just can’t resist.

I’ve just gotten a letter from the folks who just bought our apartment building. Looks like they’re trying to raise the rent by about $175- which, according to the year lease I signed less than a year ago, is illegal. And they’re saying they might cut off the cable and/ or free internet. So much for me starting to kind of feel a little financially stable.

Enjoy some pictures, and have a good night.

Weather: More mountain snow, more valley rain. It’s been raining for two days straight. At least the skiers are happy.

School: More homework, on top of the stuff I’m trying to keep up with and the stuff I’m trying to make up. I’m missing more classes while I try to keep up with the homework.

Work: Deadline’s tomorrow- I think I’ll have to put off one article for the sake of another- the Squanto Day thing should come out with the Thanksgiving issue, anyway (stay tuned, I’ll fill you in on what that means another day).

Home: Completely disorganized. Trying desperately to keep the mess at bay, because the kids won’t. Trying to keep Matt healthy and eating properly while he’s waiting for his teeth. So happy for the crock pot. Laundry needs putting away. Desk needs cleaning off. Need to call carpet cleaner’s over Mekare’s nail polish mishap from hell.

Health: Currently sneezy- no idea if I’ve caught something or if I’m developing an allergy to the cat, but I think it’s the cat. Constantly tired. Never getting enough sleep. Lower back is locking up my left leg on occasion. Ow. Matt’s back is not any better. SAD is kicking in hardcore- I was going to participate in a study but didn’t have time for it.

Kids: Arielle’s grades need some work. Ana’s are looking rather decent, except for English. Mekare needs a tutor, a violin bow, a bridge, and to stop forgetting her coat/ backpack/ homework/ whatever at school.

Husband: Other than the back issue, not so bad. As long as he has his coffee in the morning. Need to budget for another date this weekend or next week. We can both really use one. I just wish it could be somewhere sunny. And that it were easier for him to eat. His life is saved- we no longer have to worry about his possibly dying of infections in his teeth. Now all we need is to get him back some new improved teeth, and the self- esteem that comes with them. Bring on January and the tax return.

It’s been a long weekend- obviously not long enough, as I still have a lot that needs doing. But the kids have been helping out a little- if not by doing their CHORES, which would be a much bigger help. They’ve been baking, so I get them some more ingredients. Mekare made her first batch of cookies:

Ana dragged me off to her friend’s mom’s party. It was one of those things like Pampered Chef or Tupperware only with… um, Wicca stuff? New agey, anyway. They had stuff I’ve never seen before, like UFO tarot cards and rune stones with, er… “new” runes. They had some pretty jewelry and a couple of other things I liked, but I spent most of the time taking pictures of the hostess’ beautiful home.

They live in a nice area with lots of fields for neighbors:

Here’s Ana’s favorite kitty of theirs:

and this one, that I thought was cute. It just sat there and didn’t as much “meow” as “meyupph” -Ana told me “it’ll get annoying after the thousandth time…”

We saw a prism in a cloud while I was driving, and Ana took this picture:

Then it was off to the party with my goofy fun friends:

Then I dragged Matt home (almost literally- he fell asleep and was NOT happy about getting up) and, as usual, got up before everyone else and ran around running errands all day Saturday.
On the way home, I needed a moment…

I was driving down a particular road, heading home. My ex was, I knew, probably on shift at the gas station where he works. I was thirsty but really didn’t want to stop in.
It took me a long time to get over how I was hurt. It always does. And I wait for some kind of epiphany, a new state of mind… that “aha” moment that clarifies everything and makes it all easier. But it never happens. So I started over- analyzing myself, as usual. Am I still angry? Why didn’t I stop it when I saw it coming? Did I punish myself on purpose? Etc. There isn’t any real anger anymore, just kind of a dull, sad ache that makes me wish I could go back and completely avoid the situation- and him- completely and deal with all the other issues I’d been putting up with at the time.

The light changed. I glanced toward the gas station, and, almost subconsciously, I turned away from it and headed toward the lake.
It was nearing sunset.
I’d had issues finding the road to the lake before, but this time I spotted a turnoff and took it. The road was frighteningly narrow, and so ridiculously bumpy that every bump threatened to jerk the wheel out of my hands. Not for the first time, I wished for a jeep. There was no way to turn around, and veering to either the right or left would have me rolling down a hill.
Finally it smoothed out and I noticed, not just a couple of places to turn around, but the expanse of the lake in front of me. I couldn’t walk right up to it, as there’s a rather large area of marsh covered by tall grasses, so I just stopped the car and got out.
The stillness was amazing, for just a few moments.
Then there were sounds of wildlife in the marsh. I stood there and enjoyed it and took pictures- which really don’t do the scene justice.
It was the one real moment of peace I needed. Sometimes, there are no answers- but are they really necessary? We’re all just human, and we just do the best we know how.

I don’t want to look back anymore, especially when I can look forward and see something like this.

Matt didn’t have work today and it was nice outside, so I wasn’t going to stay indoors for very long. After watching History Channel shows on cults, Hitler’s family history, and half a program on the history of opiates in the morning, we walked out into the 45 degree weather to take a nice walk in one of our favorite canyons. We didn’t go very far into it because it would have been too snowy and I hate driving in snow- I’ll avoid it until it’s inevitable. We got on one of the first trails instead and spent a couple of hours traipsing around together. I took a lot of pictures, and he took a few, mostly of me. Most of the leaves were on the ground, but the unique late autumn scenery was still beautiful to me.

I found this really cool rock, and we took it home:

We went on this catwalk over the creek. Matt and his amazing balance did very well on the old wobbly thing… I felt like crawling might be safer but carefully walked across anyway.

Then we were hungry and can’t find a good Chinese buffet around here anymore, so we opted for sushi (cell phone pics- I’d left my camera in the car)- the second picture is octopus. It’s very rubbery:

And Ana gave us a coupon for ice cream at a new place called Sub Zero, where the ice cream starts out liquid and they freeze it with nitrogen. It’s pretty cool. I took a video and tried to upload it for you guys, but the file was too big.

I just got a phone call from Blue, who told me that she’d been to the Coffee Pod today and ran into the owner, who she says has been trying to reach me. She’s so happy with the article I wrote that she’s got free coffee for me!
I think I might stop in tomorrow…
Here’s a link to the article.

http://media.www.uvureview.com/media/storage/paper982/news/2008/11/03/Life/New-Coffee.Pod.Opens.In.Zoobieville-3522270.shtml

There is absolutely no structure to my life, except perhaps for a few details: my husband and I sleep together in the same bed almost every night, except when he falls asleep in the living room or I do or we’re at a friend’s house sleeping off a rowdy party as happens once a month or so; the kids go to school and come home every weekday at about the same respective times; I drive Matt to work every morning and most of the time I pick him up in the afternoon; and most days Bo shows up to hang out with Matt after work.

I spend a lot of time on the computer, doing homework, researching, getting confused, starting over, getting annoyed, and finally checking MySpace and Facebook crap. The kids hang over my shoulder and vie for place in line to use the PC. Usually I cook dinner. Sometimes Matt does. Sometimes the kids destroy the kitchen on their own in what we call a “free- for- all,” i.e. Matt and I don’t feel like cooking, and they have perfectly good arms and legs.

My friends are all societal rejects, like me, though they have their circles of friends and I have circles and odd friends here and there but no specific “group” that I hang out with all the time. I’m to weird for even most of the weird people. Or maybe I’m just weird in a different way that makes even weird people look at me funny. I like to walk on the grass and kick leaves (well, I DID grow up in a place where autumn was just like most of the rest of the year). People have to throw things at me to get my attention. My analogies in classes on anthropology have included Margaret Mead’s psychological Skinner boxes, similarities between Geertz’s theories and Foghorn Leghorn cartoons, socio- economic qualities of pumpkin patches, and domestic violence in the Civil War era. This week.

So I guess you can always expect something new and odd on my blog. Exciting, I can’t guarantee… but odd is pretty much a given.

Today I took a break from the Coffee Pod and stopped in at Juice and Java because the have cool local art on the walls and a tea I can’t find anywhere else (since Steamer’s)- I call it Tea of Iniquity though it’s really Tea of Inquiry, because it’s fun to get people to ask me what the hell it is. It’s amazing how many people don’t know what iniquity is, unless they’ve been told all about those Dens (local Mormon dialog thing). But anyway… yeah. The coffee shop. As I was walking back to my car, I noticed this:

There’s a bit of anti- cop sentiment out here, particularly in Provo, because while there are some nice cops (in my experience, anyway), there are also a lot of cops that will just harass people. I’ve heard Provo is the worst. Couldn’t tell you, myself.

A while ago, when it was a little warmer, Matt and I were walking on Main street when he saved me from a potential disaster. He looked down, backed up, looked to the sky, then guided me around a dangerous zone. Finally, I looked up, too:

Apparently, this is the hot sit- and- shit social center for pigeons.

Just down the street from me, they’re turning a two lane road into a five lane, and putting in a bridge over the railroad tracks. I can’t wait until it’s done, considering that the trains traversing this very busy freeway- access road often come to a FULL STOP on top of it:

Thankfully, there’s a farm road that turns off to the right so I took it. I love the back roads.

Matt made a new friend at Glen’s:

This morning I attended a Peace and Justice lecture, this one on the situation in North Ireland. I know what most people think of when the word “Ireland” is spoken (thank the tourist industry):

But how many people know about the Troubles and the warring that has been going on between Catholics and Protestants since… oh, about 900 C.E.? Today, Belfast’s neighborhoods are separated by “Peace walls” to help them survive each other:

and murals depicting the two sides are all over their respective neighborhoods. This one is Protestant:

I couldn’t find a Catholic one, but those tend to reflect not so much intimidation as suffering. Both sides, however, are responsible for a lot of bloodshed, back and forth over the centuries. But don’t think for a second that it’s about religion. It’s culture and socio- economics. The people there have recently taken steps to try to get along better, but it’s hard to heal over a thousand years of strife.

She showed some videos of the people, played some of their music, and went over a brief history. It was really quite beautiful. As much conflict as there can be between peoples, there is always the beauty of the human spirit and the dedication of some people to peace.

I think it’s past my bedtime.

Winter isn’t here officially, but th snow arrived this morning and made our trip to Matt’s work slower and scarier than usual. I could barely see the road, but I made it home.

Yesterday started off rainy, then cleared up and showed off some beautiful colors:

I’ve decorated for autumn and love how the colors seem to match all my stuff:

…and how the snow seems to enhance it.

I’m glad I decorated, since the rest of the neighborhood looks pretty stark.

Way too mono- chronic for a historic day like this. I’m so ridiculously happy that, if I was feeling better, I’d hardly be able to restrain myself. That and jumping up and down for joy in the streets is a little dangerous in these conditions.

My stomach is giving me issues for some reason, and since last night I’ve just felt kinda gross. And I forgot to give my friend a wake- up call and I feel horrible as I probably made him late for work. So between hitting myself in the head and rejoicing this amazing day, and still being stressed out about the issues with my ex and school and Matt’s dental work… well, if I didn’t have so much to do, I’d be back in bed.

Every time my ex- husband calls, I cringe at the caller ID and answer it grudgingly. Usually he’s just a dumbass, sometimes he’s a complete dick. Today was one of those days.

He starts out complaining that he can’t get a job, the job- seeking offices are full, he’s eating at the soup kitchen, wah wah wah. I remind him that me and the kids were living off Catholic Charities for years and ended up homeless twice while he wasn’t paying child support. He says he does his best to take care of Ana. “I could care less about you,” he says. “Nothing personal…”

Bullshit. It’s personal. The fact is, he’s never cared.

So he goes off on how we should “leave it in the past” and how we both made mistakes and we were young and all that claptrap. This after the past two years of him trying to cause derision among family members such as my parents and me with rumors and backstabbing. He lectures ME about how we should get along for Ana’s sake, after years of me telling him to knock his stupid high school- esque bullshit off for her sake. “At least we can laugh at the past,” he says.

All I did was grind my teeth. If only there were a way to reach through a phone and throttle someone… yeah, he can laugh about the past. He can hurt a lot of people, screw anyone over that he wants, and then sit there and laugh about it.

He’s just inherited a house from him mom and I’m supposed to get a check for thousands of dollars of back child support, as soon as he sells the place, and the last time I heard from him he was saying he practically had it sold. All that has changed. No one can get a loan to buy a house, he said, because the banks are using all the money they got from the government to get themselves out of debt. Well, of course. But now, he whines that he and his Sedona- dwelling rich girlfriend have broken up because “she thinks I’m a bum. She doesn’t understand how hard it is for us on the other side of the valley.”

Boo fucking hoo. He IS a bum, and has been as long as I’ve known him. I don’t think he’s ever held down a job for a full year. He HAS managed 5 DUI’s and an extensive guitar collection, never mind that he can’t play (he thinks he can- trust me, he can’t)- and he got himself a new truck but has to blow into a breathylizer to get it started.

Fuck, I’m so sick of dealing with him. This is why I think people should attend at least two years of college before getting married and especially before getting pregnant. A little education- non- high school style- probably would have gotten me smart enough to avoid getting me in so much trouble. But when you live in a place where the only two industries are meth and tourism… yeah, I wasn’t really sane until I spent five years away from that place. Perhaps more.

I wish there were room to rant and flail my arms and bitch loudly, but I just did laundry and it’s all over the living room… the sad thing is, I’d still be holding a LOT back. For Ana’s sake.

Where’s Matt? I need a hug.

UPDATE: Ana informed me that Robert had said something odd on the phone. Basically, he told her that if she didn’t stay in school, she’d get pregnant when she was 17. Well, that’s nice, seeing as I got pregnant at 17. I thought that was rather inappropriate, and called him up to tell him so.

He was slurring like crazy, all the while telling me that he hadn’t done drugs in years and he’d only had “a beer.” Robert has never, ever stopped at one beer. Hell, he doesn’t stop at one case. When I asked him if he was high, he said “gettin’ ready to be.” So I eluded to the fact that he’s been insisting for years that he stopped doing drugs a long time ago. “well,” he said, “I mean, you’re driving me to it.”

Finally, after trying for a half hour to try to get out of him exactly what he’d said to Ana, I gave up and just told him that when he calls, not to say anything nasty. “Yeah,” he said, “well I got a double barrel I’ll stick right up your ass.”

It wasn’t the first time he’s threatened my life, although the last time was about 13 years ago. So I had Matt call him back to clarify the situation. Sir Elegance says, “Yeah, well I’ll stick the double barrel right up your ass, too.”

Needless to say, there’s a police report on this situation. And I’m about to call Arizona and make another one. I also called his dad just to keep him informed about what’s going on, as I believe he is genuinely interested in Ana’s welfare, even if his son isn’t.

I should be in bed, my homework should be done, and instead I’m dealing with this shit.